


Cut You A Piece

by Random_Fandom_writer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, I'm procrastinating, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Just a whole lot of sad, M/M, No Dialogue, Songfic, They're kind of unhealthy, Unhealthy Relationships, sort of???, they are so in love!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-24 12:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20706011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Random_Fandom_writer
Summary: Evan's therapist tells him he needs to get better for himself, but Evan's not worth getting better for.So he gets better for Connor.Connor's therapist tells him he needs to get better for himself, but that obviously isn't working.So he gets better for Evan.Or...My first song fic.





	Cut You A Piece

**Author's Note:**

> So I got this idea after listening to 35mm: A Musical Exhibition, and this song in particular stood out to me. So I had to write it.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: mentioned drug use, mentioned self harm, mental health issues, death, implied suicide

_Jules, he was fucked up, and Jessie she was peerless._

Connor knows he's fucked up. He sees it in his mothers eyes, in the fear that surrounds his sister like an aura, the stares at school, in his reflection. He knows it. But he doesn't know how to fix it.

He lashes out. At the world.

Evan's fucked up in a different way. He overthinks, overanalyses, thinks so hard it _hurts._ He hurts, Evan is hurting, and nobody notices because Evan is alone. He knows it. He knows he's alone, because who would care about stuttering, sweating, friendless Evan Hansen?

He lashes in. At himself.

And then Evan meets Connor.

_So of course they fell in love._

It's not gradual, like most would expect. It's sudden, and scary, and just what they need to bring them back to life. It's hurried from the moment they meet, and it's absolutely amazing.

Evan expects himself to be afraid, but he's not, because all he can think, and see, and feel is_ 'Connorconnorconnor.' _ Connors voice, Connors laugh, Connors smile. His fear, anger, sadness, guilt, countered with his amusement, liveliness, happiness, pride, and _love. _

Connor is still afraid. Because he's finally gotten something _good, something so good, _and he is fully aware that this could be ripped from him just as quickly as this all happened. In a blink, Evan could disappear from his arms and that alone is terrifying. He doesn't like to think about it for too long though. Instead he lets himself wash away with the current, and be dragged along by love.

_ Jessie let Jules know what was wrong with him._  
_ And Jules stopped using, and binging, and pissing his whole life away. _

They have to look after each other, because their relationship isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Evan's still anxious, Connor's still angry and they can't fix that, but they can help.

So they help each other. Connor stops smoking, and when his withdrawals become too much, when his head screams, and his stomach churns, Evan holds him until the exhaustion creeps up his bones and he surrenders. Evan stops hurting himself, and when his head gets to loud, when his wrists itch, and when all he wants is for it to stop, Connor stays beside him until his panic attacks put him to sleep.

Evan's therapist tells him he needs to get better for himself, but Evan's not worth getting better for.

So he gets better for Connor.

Connor's therapist tells him he needs to get better for himself, but that obviously isn't working.

So he gets better for Evan. 

_And Jules told Jessie he'd die for her,  
_ _which looking back, was the right thing to say._

Connor would give his life for Evan, which about ten months ago, he wouldn't have thought of to be a big deal, because it wasn't like he valued it anyways. It matters more now, now that he has something to life for. _Someone_ to live for, who he would gladly die for if it came to it. He makes sure the other knows it, he deserves to know it. Evan deserves the world.

Evan never expected someone to care about him so much, and it's overwhelming in a good sort of way.

He pretends he isn't crying, and Connor pretends with him.

_I cut you a piece of me, I cut you a piece of me.  
_ _And where you go I will go too._  
_Yes, I am now apart of you_

When Evan tells Connor he loves him, the world falls away.

They collide.

They are no longer two people. Not two complete people, because when the collide, they combine. Piece for piece, a fair exchange.

_Jules and his Jessie, got married in his temple,_  
_cause they calculated,_  
_that Jules was more Jewish than Jessie was Catholic._  
_Jules mother was pleased._

They marry. Connor lets Evan be the planner, only offering suggestions and choosing between colour schemes every so often. He's happy to let him take the lead, especially when he sees how excited Evan gets. Connor's not a dreamer. He never dreamed of getting married, or even falling in love. He didn't expect to make it past eighteen.

The crowd was embarrassingly small, only composed of the Kleinmans, Zoe, and Heidi who all sit misty eyed in the front row, but that's ok because the only people that really matter are _EvanandConnor. _As one whole.

_Married six months, _

The happiest day of their lives, followed by six months of marriage.

_when on route 87,_

It was rainy and dark, and Connor didn't see the other car.

_Jules turned quickly,_

He swerves.

_in a beaten Mitsubishi  
_

The car connects with a tree.

_killed Jessie in a crash._

And they collide.

_A marriage begun and ended,_  
_With broken glass._

They part. Or rather, Evan parts from Connor.

Neither want to let go.

_His life was scattered, and soon was her ash_

Evan didn't want to be cremated. He almost brings it up with Heidi, but he can't say it. He can't say anything anymore.

_I cut you a piece of me, I cut you a piece of me._  
_And where you go I will go too._  
_I lost my life when I lost you._

Connor loses a lot.

He lost Evan.

And now he's lost himself.

_Yeah you loved someone so much.  
That to lose them is to never recover,_  
_You've given part of your being to them and when they go,_  
_You can never have it back, you can never have it back._

A piece of Connor is gone. The piece he gave to Evan.

His piece of Evan isn't gone yet, but its slipping away, because yesterday he forgot what his laugh sounded like.

_I cut you a piece of me, I cut you a piece of me.  
_ _For where you go I will go too._  
_I am now apart of you._

It's unfair. Why does Evan get to keep some of Connor, when Connor can't keep some of Evan? He'd like a refund please, because he's really missing the part that used to occupy his chest, and he'd like it back.

He's not getting it back.

_From now on I'm half a soul, Without you I can't be whole._

He's empty now. Maybe not empty, just not whole._  
_

_ So cut me a piece of you,_   
_ cut me a piece of you, and where I go you'll always be. _

Connor wants to be whole again.

_Oh, you are the start of me, Oh, you are the start of me_

He makes a decision.

And again, they collide and combine as _EvanandConnor. _

They are complete.

**Author's Note:**

> I know I just updated my multi-chapter, but I just get so excited to post things. So have this too. 
> 
> The formatting on this nearly killed me, I hate song fics. Or I don't hate song fics because I'll probably write more in the future. I am just frustrated because it's the middle of the night and the italics are fucking will me again.


End file.
